(by @ZachWeiner )
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MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato