I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
You Might Also Like
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know