Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.