Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
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When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Tastes like chicken.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…