Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I have two kinds of followers
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
How software testing works
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total