*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
You Might Also Like
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste