Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
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I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
me: my friends:
Beware…..
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
In banana years, I am bread.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone