wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..