GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
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Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
what are they serving at kfc then???
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza