Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
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why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S