Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
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“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Love this one 😂🧟
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.