I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
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9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.