I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
The first one, obviously
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this