Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
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My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks