1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
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My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Mornin. * use accordingly
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.