My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
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banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.