1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”