My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
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I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.