I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
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hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.