Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous