I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”