[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
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ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Squeak, squeak, squeak!