Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
You Might Also Like
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”