When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
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I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick