no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president