If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
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What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
God has left this place
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood