Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”