I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
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I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.