$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.