Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
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Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
how to exercise your calf muscles
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.