Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
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ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬