I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
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[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
How all things should be taught/explained.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’