him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.