Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….