From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
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Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.