Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
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A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”