The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
our love story in four pictures
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee