girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses