Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less