I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
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Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee