If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
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ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
scrabbled eggs
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.