“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
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Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
termite twitter scares me
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.