I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
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Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one