*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
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My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos