[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
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I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.