bugs when you lift up a rock
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Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.