me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
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I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
#milo
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint