When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Fight
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.