I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
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Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.