Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
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Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Worst bar ever.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.